Ungrateful

Ungrateful

Who am I to question what I have or what I'm supposed to have?  I'm here, ode to grace.

We are gifted by God so we can become a gift used by God.  The Holy Spirit tells us that through both Paul and Peter.  So many times, the very thing we desire to change is what God uses in our lives to reflect Him, bring Him glory.  We may not ever know this side of heaven our purpose.  It's not ours to know.  We are to live for Him, revealing His glory.

Accepting our situation presently, not yearning for what is not here.  Not thinking "God must of made a mistake because I'm not where I always dreamed I would be".  The Omniscient must not have known my plans. 

Have I forgotten who I am?  A vapor, a tiny grain of sand in His great universe.  Forgive me Lord.

I am a wallower.  Peeking through rusted wire fences as a child, I know wallowing.  I can still smell it.  I had big plans, God.  Big meals around a table with children running, mamas yelling, the guys savoring the roast.  All after Sunday morning church together.  That was my dream.  I've held onto it, thinking it could still happen, if we move here or go to work there.  Meanwhile, life passes.  So do the blessings.  Pass right by, like the cars I counted with my sisters on a Saturday afternoon...waiting.   I proclaim so easily and boldly, I give up my life as a living sacrifice for you Lord,  all while complaining when "my" life plans are adjusted.  Forgive me Redeemer.

My mind sets on what it wants.  Not budging, not settling, being stubborn.  Is my mind penetrable? 

Romans 8:5 "Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires....Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God."

Romans 12:2 "be transformed by the renewing of your mind"

Colossians 3:1 .."set your hearts on things above, ..., set your minds on things above, not on earthly things."

The references seem endless.  I've read all these before with thoughts of "S.I.N.".   Sins of adultery, pornography, drugs and alcholism, not the desires of a mom who just wants her children around.   When my desires don't line up with the will of Christ, his good, pleasing and perfect will, and I choose to follow or mourn after those  desires, that is sin...same as S.I.N.  

God have mercy.  Forgive me, Counselor.

I Thessalonians 5:16 "Be joyful always, pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

So I start, even now.  I'm a concrete thinker.  I need to see it and chew on it, so I list it.  There in colored ink, I read it over and over and remember more and more.  I write faster.  Tears dripping on pages, I record God's blessings on me.  His vapor, His wave-tossed, His child.  I sit, overwhelmed by grace and thanksgiving.  Doing what I ought to do, not what comes natural.  Praising God for the blessings and the ways I've been surrounded and protected.  Blessing me with the hope I can then be a blessing. 

I stand here receiving it, Grace,  falling like a summer rain on a parched field. 

Grateful to the Great "I AM".

"Heart of my own heart whatever befall
Still be my vision O Ruler of all"

Digging deep, reaching high.

there Love is...

This dark, old snapshot allows me a glimpse back to the most fascinating day in my life.  All the years, I've focused on the couple in the center about to leave for a honeymoon, but last night I focused on all the sweet faces surrounding the car.  Twenty-nine years ago today that was me leaving with my brand, spanking, new husband and we were so naive about what we had just done.  We were delighted and thrilled to be starting a new life together but mostly, we were clueless.  Sometimes...ignorance is bliss. 

The photographer was my father-in-law.  He had one of those disc cameras that everyone had in the early 80's.  He took so many pictures and usually got 3 copies of each one.  This one I hardly noticed until last night, but today I cherish.  This may take a while but I want to acquaint you with some of the people in this shot. 

The first person I see is Gregg's aunt.  Living in Chicago at the time, we were thrilled she came all the way and shared this day with us.  A missionary in Africa, she wasn't around much but through the mail, she stayed in constant contact with her nephew and she wouldn't miss this for the world. 

Next, I notice my cousin Cathy.  If anyone could make pregnancy elegant, she could and she did!  She organized and help to plan my wedding, choreographed our entrance, all just a couple of weeks before she was going to give birth to her son.  And she still managed to look radiant!  I still can't believe I asked her to do this (what did I know about being pregnant then)  and I'm still shocked and thankful she agreed. 

There's my young brother and sister right up front, 12 and 14.  They look so much younger, then  I would have given my life for them, still would...

I see my Uncle Dick wandering around in the background, where he always did his best work.  I miss him so much!  Then there's Joanie, crying...she has loved me, unceasingly.  Scanning to the right, I see my dad looking a little sad and my aunt's gentle hand placed on his arm, Comfort.  Big sister taking care of little brother, everlasting.  She's taken care of people since she was two years old, I presume.  I'm most thankful, she was there to take care of me.

In the center, is another aunt.  She loved and loved and loved some more.  My wedding cake was her gift to me.  Hours of baking and decorating and it turned out beautiful just like her.  Growing up she was just there.  Grooming me, teaching me, molding me.  Eventually, she would be with me in the delivery room with my 1st daughter and through the pangs of each contraction I stayed focused on her perfectly, white teeth.  Possibly, even then, the cancer cells were there. Invading, knowing they would eventually win.  I.hate.cancer.

The one in the navy blue dress...she's my grandmother.  She looked beautiful that day, as she did everyday.  She could rock a pair of heels, yet was the ultimate picture of humility.  She was the heart of our family, the one everyone came home to and the one that with great love, welcomed everyone home.  I believe, in heaven, there is no evidence of strokes, "the lame will dance, they'll dance for they are able. and the weary find rest, oh, the weary find rest...In You."  Thank you God for that assurance.

Some of the faces are blurry or dark, I'm thinking that's Uncle Bob next to Danny is his early 80's three-piece suit.  Next to my dad would be my cousin Linda and then Aunt Ann, I think.  My step-mother isn't in the photo because she and her certifiably, crazy sisters are still working, cleaning and wrapping up everything, following our lovely Southern wedding reception.  There are many family members probably standing on the other side of the car that we can't see.

Sometimes, you don't even know how much you are surrounded by love.  You think you're all alone in this big, bad, world and then you look up and there Love is.  That's what family is all about, even more so, marriage.  Gregg has loved me when I've been unlovable, extinguished my pity parties, and supported me when I wanted to step out and try something knew. 

Here's to at least 29 more years Gregg, surrounded by love.

and chocolate pie!

Tidings of comfort and joy...

Grilled cheese.  Perfectly toasted, buttery, compressed and cheese oozing.  Cut in perfect triangles.  Paradisaical! Comfort and joy!  One of those things in life for which I am SO thankful.  Who could possibly turn one away?  (Besides those with gluten allergies, aversions to dairy, diabetis, vegans, low fat diets) 

This is one of those food items I just don't want tampered with.  The ingredients are almost always on hand.  I refuse to even read Southern Living's low fat version.  Don't even think about handing me artisan bread or gourmet cheese for this elementary creation.   So simple and yet it provides so much comfort.  Pairs perfectly with tomato soup on the bitter cold days of winter or a fresh fruit salad in summer. 

There are downsides...I prepare one sandwich.  Of course, I want two.  Oh, and the Comfort and joy, well, it lasts about 2 hours. 

Isn't that how most earthly, tangible things are?  Get all excited, talk it up and before you know it's gone. 

Psalm 145 promises the Lord faithfulness to all his promises.  "The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time.  You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing."

Notice the tense of 'satisfy'.  not Satisfied, past tense, as in "remember that Thanksgiving when I was so stuffed I didn't get hungry again for 5 hours."  But present tense as in it's happening now and next week it will still be happening and 20 years... still happening, still satisfied. 

His hand is out, He uplifts those who fall, He satisfies desires, He is faithful.  Presently!  Right now!  These are the characteristics of the One whose dominion is everlasting. 

The familiar story of the woman at the well ends with many of the Samaritans believing.  John 4:42 "We no longer believe just because of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves and we know that this man really is the Savior of the world."

See for yourself!  His hand is open...right now.

Digging deep, Reaching high...

Getting Rid Of Weeds

Yard work.  It is never ending.  Our lawn is covered in leaves and it's August, not Oct.  Whatever will we do then?  Pine combs, sweet gum balls and acorns prevent me from ever walking barefoot on my own bit of earth.  Hovering mosquitoes have hijacked the deck and are willing to accept a ransom that I'm not willing to pay.  My broom and I attack the blanketing spider webs.  Trowel and I ambush the weeds.  Confusingly, the weeds love this plot of land, yet the grass would prefer the neighbors yard.  Truly the grass is greener over yonder.   But I.love.this.place!  We chose it, knowing there would be work. 


My red, hot and dirty Man has poured his sweat into this place, burned up a lawnmower and set fire to a few tree limbs, but has never yet seemed frustrated.  We choose the laugh instead.  We bought a house that the owners had vacated several months prior to our arrival and as earlier stated, yard work is never-ending.  Which translates to "we have a lot of catchin' up to do." 


Isn't that how all of life is?  Cleaning out weeds, throwing away the rubbish and pruning the thriving limbs.  "Pruning, so it will be even more fruitful" (John 15:3 )  Poison ivy and thorns leave their mark.  Sun toasts revealed skin.  Raking, digging, pulling, exposure .... muscle aches, sunburn, blisters, grimy finger nails, unveiling grace and beauty.


Evening comes and we celebrate our progress and tomorrow we start again.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

 

Digging deep, reaching high

That's the Pursuit

Searching begins with prayer. This disharmony in my being speaks louder than anything else. I listen, because I know that voice. My choice differentiates my real passion; to follow the notions that build "me" up and produce fleeting moments of satisfaction or follow and seek passionately after Christ. Christ has my best in mind...ALWAYS... Christ is not out to smash my dreams. If anything, He will use my passions to build His kingdom, if He is indeed, MY true Compass. In Philippians, Paul uses the Greek word, "dioko" meaning "to pursue, chase or hunt down". My dog, Truman, is a hunter. Even though he's not trained and has never been with a hunter, it's in his bones. Whenever a fluffy tailed predator invades our back yard, he moans and trembles with every cell of his body, waiting until that door is opened and then it's on. With the loud, baying of a beagle, he chases with such yearning, fervor and craving.  That's dioko. That's the pursuit Paul's talkin' 'bout. Compelling though, that Paul uses this word twice in the same chapter. Once referring to his intense "persecution" of the church and then "pressing on" towards his goal in Christ.  Hhhmmm, dioko can be used for good or bad??? All depends upon who or Who is doing the driving. My inferior eyes, constrained by human limits, cannot distinguish what is best for me, at this time, in this place. Therefore I must proceed, I must press on, seeking first His kingdom, His glory, His heart, His will for me at all times and in all places.    Digging deep and reaching high.

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6:13:00 AM

by Tami

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Finding my Way

Where am I going? What do I even want to do?  I'm lost in the middle of my living room.  For most of my life I've been so driven, directed, organized and scheduled.  My kids are grown (loving that!!)!  We've moved again, (should be loving that but ehhhh not so much).  I'm not even sure what I'm interested in anymore.  I've served, directed, motivated, encouraged, threatened three daughters and a husband right into their own success.  Meanwhile, my life has been lost. 

Ahhh, not meaning to sound so bleak or depressing, I'm just being real...shooting straight.  I've lost my passion, forgot my way.  I'm needing to find myself.  (Insert 70's music here minus the drugs and sex.)  I can't even find clothes anymore.  You know, something between sexy and frumpy, old lady clothes. 

So, here's to a new start, where I'm thankful for daughters who have found their way and a husband who loves his job and 2 dogs who make me laugh and mostly that I'm surrounded by love and encouragment to grow.