Who am I to question what I have or what I'm supposed to have? I'm here, ode to grace.
We are gifted by God so we can become a gift used by God. The Holy Spirit tells us that through both Paul and Peter. So many times, the very thing we desire to change is what God uses in our lives to reflect Him, bring Him glory. We may not ever know this side of heaven our purpose. It's not ours to know. We are to live for Him, revealing His glory.
Accepting our situation presently, not yearning for what is not here. Not thinking "God must of made a mistake because I'm not where I always dreamed I would be". The Omniscient must not have known my plans.
Have I forgotten who I am? A vapor, a tiny grain of sand in His great universe. Forgive me Lord.
I am a wallower. Peeking through rusted wire fences as a child, I know wallowing. I can still smell it. I had big plans, God. Big meals around a table with children running, mamas yelling, the guys savoring the roast. All after Sunday morning church together. That was my dream. I've held onto it, thinking it could still happen, if we move here or go to work there. Meanwhile, life passes. So do the blessings. Pass right by, like the cars I counted with my sisters on a Saturday afternoon...waiting. I proclaim so easily and boldly, I give up my life as a living sacrifice for you Lord, all while complaining when "my" life plans are adjusted. Forgive me Redeemer.
My mind sets on what it wants. Not budging, not settling, being stubborn. Is my mind penetrable?
Romans 8:5 "Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires....Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God."
Romans 12:2 "be transformed by the renewing of your mind"
Colossians 3:1 .."set your hearts on things above, ..., set your minds on things above, not on earthly things."
The references seem endless. I've read all these before with thoughts of "S.I.N.". Sins of adultery, pornography, drugs and alcholism, not the desires of a mom who just wants her children around. When my desires don't line up with the will of Christ, his good, pleasing and perfect will, and I choose to follow or mourn after those desires, that is sin...same as S.I.N.
God have mercy. Forgive me, Counselor.
I Thessalonians 5:16 "Be joyful always, pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
So I start, even now. I'm a concrete thinker. I need to see it and chew on it, so I list it. There in colored ink, I read it over and over and remember more and more. I write faster. Tears dripping on pages, I record God's blessings on me. His vapor, His wave-tossed, His child. I sit, overwhelmed by grace and thanksgiving. Doing what I ought to do, not what comes natural. Praising God for the blessings and the ways I've been surrounded and protected. Blessing me with the hope I can then be a blessing.
I stand here receiving it, Grace, falling like a summer rain on a parched field.
Grateful to the Great "I AM".
"Heart of my own heart whatever befall
Still be my vision O Ruler of all"
Digging deep, reaching high.
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